fuck this always happen. i get too caught up in the moment and think that things are so good, and then i wake up one morning and realize.... i realize that not one bone of me wants to be in a relationship! i like my lifestyle. i like the independence i have. i like that i can do whatever i want whenever i want to do it. i like that i can fuck whoever i want whenever i want to fuck (ok maybe that doesnt happen very often!). i like MY life the way it is. does being self-interested make me selfish? i don't think it does necessarily. i feel like i have so much positive energy and this widely creative spirit that it's hard for me to stop and share it with someone else. sharing my energy with someone else always feels like im stifling my creativity. i don't know. i don't really think that i want to participate in what is considered a normal life. i don't ever picture myeslf being with one person ever. when i think about the future, i think about myself buying my first house, myself getting a phd, myself travelling, myself having a baby. it's always been about me, and i really don't want to change that anytime soon.

i like him. i really do. he's so sweet and treats me so well. he's funny, nice, and smart, but ugh i just don't want to be in a relationship with him or ANYONE else. i don't want t to feel like i have to either. i feel under pressure and cornered. i don't like that at all. my spirit is too free for this.

i have pretty much decided that working in a domestic violence shelter is one of the most soul sucking and depressing environments you can work in.

seriously.... it makes you feel so powerless to do affect any kind of social change. the worst part is that the women who live there are so much more powerless than i am. there are so many barriers, so many systems, so societal reasons why these women are there... and like, the system does nothing to help them. it basically forces them to go back to their abusive partners. ugh. need to go to bed.

new boys make work difficult. i just want to stay up all night talking in bed, but really i have shit tons of work to do

when i say that you are a misogynist, i mean that you are a misogynist full stop, end of sentence. you hate women and you only care about sticking your dick in them. your life is pathetic and i actually feel sorry for you.

i am thoroughly enjoying the peacefulness and silence of this day. the quiet always brings me to a place of mindfulness where i can find my center despite having a million things trying to come into it. the earth almost seems to stand still. the sun rises and the sun sets always, but today feels particularly good. i am nourishing my soul with tea and good books.

i thought the first post-break up hook up was suppose to be fun and exciting and new and liberating... and yes it's been four and a half months. mostly i just feel shitty and sad.... not because i hooked up with someone, but because he wasn't gabe. he wasn't gabe in anyway.

im reading cunt by inga muscio... it is fabulous.

i have got nothing done this weekend

that's really it. i dont know what the fuck to say anymore. im grumpy. is that obvious? i am really grumpy at life. i want it to fuck off :)

ETA: this other man just asked me to go out for a drink/coffee/dinner on thursday. he seems relatively cool and normal and smart and cute. i am terribly awful at dating obviously. i think part of this sudden emotional whackiness may be partly hormonal.

i am BURSTING with joy right now. i'm planning a community forum on needle exchange and harm reduction, and one of my former profs asked me to be on the radio with him. the exec director of an agency in the city was also on it, and before the interview she asked me if i was the jill who had worked on this project on HIV, Aboriginal Women, and Violence... i said yes. then she looked at me with her eyes so full of hope and joy, and told me that one of the participants had stood up in a meeting about the project (with the lead research team!) and said that my interview with her helped her on her healing journey and empowered her. i almost cried. you RARELY get to hear that kind of stuff in research, and it totally made my day.

 it is saturday night. im watching when harry met sally and going to bake cookies. i feel miserable and pathetic... ugggggggh.

i got called to come in for an interview for the totally amazing awesome job i applied for a few weeks! i was started to feel like I wasn't going to get an interview because it had been three weeks since the closing date, but the director called me this morning! i am so excited. the job is doing transitional planning for people with disabilities who want to go to post-secondary... which i think i could do an awesome job at! everyone cross their fingers that i rock it on tuesday and they hire me :)

i've been trying to do things lately that i find challenging or scary. i think i mentioned previously that im going to be on a radio show which makes me want to throw up, but i think it will be good! i also volunteered to do a survey in a huge first year class on friday. all of these things really help me to step out of my comfort zone and help me build self-confidence.

i feel like things are gonna start comin' up jarkles.

my mom told me i want all of the things i cant have yet. i guess it's true. i want a house and a puppy mostly...  that isnt so much! except that im a million dollars in debt and have no idea where ill be living in the next couple of years. i think i mostly want some stability and grounding. something to anchor me. i am so nervous and worked up over this job i applied for. i mean i REALLY want it. i really, really want it. i've never wanted a job this badly before! i've wanted to do front-line social work so badly... ever! ugh...  it was just mean so many positive life changes. i could move outta this dump (yea yea, i know the location is amazing - but holy crap it is driving me MAD!). I would still be able to finish my women's studies honours degree... albeit part-time... but who cares?! i'd finally be able to start paying off this pile o'debt. who knows maybe i woulld really like it?! i just dont want to set myself up for some kind of epic ego blow for when i dont get it. i mean, what if i dont even get an INTERVIEW?! my mom  thinks i need to stop fretting about the things i cannot control, but c'mon i am a serious fretter. 

i dont know what is up with all the posts lately. i think it is because i am stressed out by school.

in the spirit of moving on, i am going for dinner (well, i think - he said he's going to plan it) with the accidental date dude (did i write about that?!) before i volunteer at a fundraiser where i am bartending (note: ive never batended in my life!). also this guy from two years ago who was kinda dinky to me asked me on a date, and im not sure what to do. i said i would think about it. maybe i should? maybe he owes me a free dinner because he was a dink? i dont really want to get involved with hooking up with him again, i dunno? that was a LONG time ago. ive changed a lot since then, i guess he could have too. i dont know! oh life.... dating! so complicated.

 so i had this big ah-ha moment on the bus today. yesterday, our premier announced that they are reducing the number of needles available to needle exchanges to reduce the spread of disease and needles on the street... even though their OWN research indicates that the needle exchange programs here since they began reduce the number of needles in the street and are helping to control the spread of hiv/hcv (which is OUT of control here). this is a huge issues for me. i am really passionate about harm reduction, and think that these kind of programs are so incredibly vital to the health of our communities by providing needle exchange sevices and SERIOUSLY important front-line services.

annnnnnyways, so i had this awesome idea of doing a community forum idea blah blah blah.

i realized on the bus today that i have not been nourishing my soul enough. i haven't been doing the things that make excited about life and the possibility for social justice and social change. i haven't been volunteering. i haven't been on any boards lately. my creative energy is completely stifled! so i am going to make a concerted effort to BE more involved in my community, and im gonna pursue a couple of things that i think would really help with that. the happiest ive been was my 3rd year when i was SUPER involved in tons of stuff. i need to feed my soul as well as my mind. ah-ha!

 every time i feel like ive pushed my way out, up, and into something better... something inevitably happens that knocks me further back down. seriously. i feel like i try so hard. i feel like i do everything all of the time. i spend 20 hrs in two days doing homework to stay on top.... then wham it all just topples so quickly.  it's just exhausting. it's exhausting to push so hard and to feel like all i do is fail on all sorts of different levels. more than anything i just want someone to take care of me, make me dinner, tell me it will be ok because sometimes i cant do these things on my own. i just drown under the weight of it all.

i am going to apply for this sweet job. i am really well qualified both personally and professionally, and think i could big time rock it out. it would definitely change my plans, but hey - thats not necessarily a bad thing. ive been trying to take life as it comes lately... and trust that things will work themselves. it's good to let go. i believe very strong in fate and feel intuitive about things. 

also i just finished two days of 10 hrs of homework each. i basically have no sentences left.

http://www.saskjobs.ca/jsp/joborder/detail.jsp?job_order_id=270937

 ugh i feel so overwhelmed. i am exhausted in every sense of the word.... my body is worn and sore, my mind has no thoughts deeper than baseline, my soul feels empty and torn apart. i miss physical touch and contact so badly. i havent been hugged in what feels like weeks. school is at that point where there are a million things to do, but i am so tired - idont even know where to begin. i feel down on myself. i feel like i'm not good enough. im not smart enough. i feel like i wont ever get into a women's studies grad program. i just have this overwhelming sense of not being good enough.  i hate that i feel this way. i am good enough. i am smart enough. im worthy of love. im worthy of respect.... but i dont knwo where i am. life is so complicated. i want to share my life. i'm tired of being alone. i feel like a lot of my friends like to talk and talk about their lives... about hwo happy or how sad they are. it's either or most of the time it seems. they rarely ask how i feel. it just hurts all over... and im exhausted, so it makes it all a million times worse.

uuuuuuuuuuuuuugh

 i've had this dream before. i'm sitting on a porch in a old house in a big, big city. i'm drinking tea, swelling with pregnancy, reading a book. my life is simple. my life is complete. everything is there. i teach. i write. i love. i nurture. my partner is my partner. he is wise and perfect. how do i get from here to there... and is this only a dream?

 ugh im just not 'there' yet.... 

actually mostly i just feel like im 16 again.... except when i was 16, i would have sucked  face to avoid the awkward conversation that happened instead! i guess it's good just to get 'out there' and date again. except that i dont even know if that WAS a date or what a date is even more. oh my gosh seriously.... dating is so awkward. oh my... 

 i am so lonely. i am so tired of sleeping alone, waking up alone, doing everything alone. my life feels so empty right now. everything seems so empty. so tired too lately - can't sleep, ever.

edited to add: i loev how my lonely jibber jabber is like, completely and totally unconstructive. i mean, how am i gonna f fix this? what am i gonna do to change this situation? it's not like im going to meet someone and overnight my life is going to be so much fucking better. it's horribly pathetic - an quite hoenstly absolutely absurd and ridiculous. i just dont know how to stop.  i dont know how to stop feeling so alone. i dont know what to do to change this situation.... see unconstructive! i have so many good things. i have a really beautiful apartment, a job, schools, a few good friends.. but yet i still feel this huge desire to share my life with somebody else.

i knwo a big part of this is my sleep problems. i basically don't fall asleep until 3-5 am no matter how early i go to bed or how exhausted i am. i get on average 5 hrs a nigh... unless i take a sleeping pill which ensures me 8 hrs, but not feeling so great in the morning and you cannot take those every night anyways... and you shouldnt have to. this insomnia has been longfuckingterm.... im talking since basically i moved to regina. (thats really as far back as my memory will go... i know ive had sleep issues my whole life really.... there was constant tension and fights at bedtime when i was a kid). so basically for the last five years, ive gotten little to no sleep. ive tried some many things. ive tried herbal supplements, healthy sleeping routines, progressive relaxation, perscription drugs, going to my happy place at night, not doing anything but sleep/sex in the bedroom.. basically nothing works. then i just get so frustrated about it and so afraid that i wont be able to sleep that i cant sleep. it's just this horribly vicious cycle, and if eel like it's affecting my ability to function like a normal person. my emotions are all overr the place all the time.

theres something perfect about sunday mornings... coffee in my hand and the sunlight pouring in through my windows. i feel like i live in some perfect place on these kind of mornings in this apartment. life is good.

 i just had an incredibly intense and awesome ladies night. i have found so much strenght in the relationships that i have built with women. these relationships are so healing for me. sometimes they really hurt, but that hurt is the kind that heals. these three women and i share so many commonalities in the ways that we have been hurt, and by the peple that have hurt us. it is almost uncanny. we are all such amazing, strong, passionate, feminist women, and i hope that i am forever friends with them. i feel so much stronger today than i did yesterday than i did the week before then the month before. i feel so much strong than i did last fall when my world fucking fell apart. there are so many amazing things i want to do and pursue, and building relationships with other women is giving me more strength and courage than i have ever had from  the relationships ive built with men. my relationships with men have not been healthy. they have not been healing. they have not inspired me to pursue so many different things. they have not nourished my soul. i want to be nourised and built back up... i'm never going down again.

oh i was having kind of a crappy last couple of days ago until 10 minutes ago! ive been feeling lonely and kinf of sorry for myself. i miss that intimacy of having someone to share my day with, someone to hang out with on the weeknights, someone to bring me stuff when im sick/sad/recovering from some random event.

anyways, one of my favourite profs ever called to talk to my boss, and we had such a great chat. she was so encouraging about me going back to the school in fall to pursue women's studies, and said she thought i was making the right decision about starting to apply for grad schools... and said she would help. she's a really amazing woman, and has truly dedicated herself to pursuing social change and justice on academic and personal levels. she was the first female bush pilot in canada, did a ton of work with the women's movement, and has been so committed to making change on a societal and community level. plus she takes absolutely no bullshit from anyone, ever. i've always realy looked up to her, and she has really encouraged me throughout my education to stick up for myself. she was a huge help when i helped to plan a rally during a strike at the university, and has set me up with some really cool people. anyways, it was just awesome to have what i want to do validated by someone else.... even though she thinks my desire to be a prof is crazy hahaha....